Watch this, Mom!: John Stewart on Palin

Lilyisms

"Cyndi Lauper dances funny. What's wrong with her?""
Guest Quote, from Ellie: "I wish I was a dog. Then I wouldn't have to flush the toilet or wash my hands."
"Euuuuwww, come smell these farts!"
In the bathub: "My behind is as hard as a rock and as smooth as a jewel!"
To Michael, as they drove past a cemetary: "How did all those people die right there?"
Guest quote from Grandma Fran: "It hurts when I dangle."
Upon being told to stop reading because it was time for dinner: "Ok, let me pause my book."
"Could you read with a little more expression, please?"
As the national anthem played during baseball playoffs: "Hey! I know this song!"
"Do my feet smell like Doritos to you?"
"Oh man. Why do all my backpacks always smell like ketchup?"
"Where does the universe end, and how do they make 3-D glasses?"
Lily: "Can you spend sand dollars?" Daddy: "Only at a sand bar!" Lily: "What?"
"My tongue probably weighs the same as about 4 or 5 caterpillars."
Guest quote from Aunt Lee: "It's amazing how many things fall out of my mouth and go down my shirt." [Apparently a family trait]
"I know everything there is to know about silent E. But CH and SH still trick me sometimes."
Lily: "Mommy wears a uniform to work." Deb: "No I don't." Lily: "You mean they don't make you wear black?"
"Hey Daddy! Did you know I have two pairs of panties on?"
“It’s cold. I want to go to summer.” [Me too, baby, me too.]
"Which side were Grandma and Grandpa on in the Civil War? The blue or the gray?" [The best part is she was sitting on the potty when she asked it.]
"Let's organize something! Like my closet!" [She is SO my daughter.]
A song: "Johnny had a booger, it tasted like sugar..."
"When I get really high, things look funny." [Spoken while perched on a ledge.]
"I don't like to be around dead animals - I just like their bones."
"At the restaurant, I burped and farted at the same time!"
"Hey Daddy, how long was 100 years ago?"
"Mommy, what are those wrinkles on your face for?"
Guest Quote from Caleb: "Is there a scab fairy?"

Old Lilyisms

"Mommy, your legs are soooooo hot!" [Sadly, she was talking temperature.]
"I wanna learn some stuff!"
Guest quote from the to-remain-nameless neighbor girl: "My mommy drinks lots and lots of beer. And now she has a baby in her belly!"
Mom: "Lily, would you like a pear?" Lily: "A pair of what?"
"Mommy, I think your pimple is very pretty."
"Don't tell me bout vampires until I'm 6 years old, okay?"
"Does Barack Obama even rule Santa Claus?"
"Bob lost all of his hair, but he's still a mammal."
After watching Tinkerbell: "None of the fairies are jewish, so they don't celebrate Hanukkah in Pixie Hollow."
Watching the fireworks at Disney: "This is so beautiful I think my eyes are going to pop out!"
"Do you know what we have on our tongues? Taste bugs!"
"Can I get a big dump truck for my 17th birthday?"
"Daddy teaches at Georgetown Anniversary."
"When we go to the forest lets look for dead animals I can put in a dead animal zoo." [Grandma Fran is complying my mailing up a package of dead bugs and an alligator foot.]
It had to happen eventually: "THAT'S NOT FAIR!"
"For my birthday can we go to the dentist?"
In midtown Manhattan: "This place is very complicated."
"Mommy, if somebody hits you at work, just tell your boss."
"Can we plant a watermelon tree?"
"All the thinkings in my head are banging in to each other."
"Put on my socks, for goddess snake!" [I think that's supposed to be "goodness sake."]
"Sometimes at school I stick crayons up my nose."

Even Older Lilyisms

Guest Quote, from Ellie: " I really love your toilet paper, Lily!"
Gazing out a restaurant window toward an ice cream parlor: "I'm in the mood for something cold."
Lily: "I wish I could be magic just one time." Mommy: "If you were magic, what would you do?" Lily: "I'd change the grass into whipped cream."
"The Queen [from Snow White] thinked evil thinks."
"I didn't touch it. It fell all by itself."
"I love you more than chocolate."
"I'll measure this [holding a tape measure]. It's 20 pounds tall."
"Let's hide. Daddy can seek on us."
Early signs of self-awarness: a) "I'll be the bad cop." b) "I'm not a morning person."
"Why do we have bodies?" [Just try to answer that one.]
"Hmmmmm, curious."
"I love my mommy, I love my daddy, I love my suction cup in the morning." [We don't get it either]
"You can call me Thunderfarts!"
"Let's hug Mommy, let's hug naked!"
Deb: "Lily, be careful with that." Lily: "I'm touching it gently, I'm not touching it hardly!"
"Let's pretend we're water. Lie on the ground and spread out."
"I love you, Mommy. I'm keeping you."
"When I'm a big kid I can drink coffee, use scissors, drive a car, and play near glass."
Lily wants to see "Shampoo the Killer Whale" at SeaWorld

Watch this, Mom!

Thursday, September 4, 2008

John Stewart on Palin

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C'mon, people!